In my travels, I have been fortunate to come in contact with a wide variety of people. Some were highly educated, some weren't. Some held high paying jobs, while others appeared to flounder in every way. Some I knew well, while others were merely acquaintances. But nonetheless, all of them had something to add to my life in some way.
One of the ways that some of the people that I've crossed paths with have enhanced my life is through something very simple. Some folks have an uncanny ability to mispronounce almost every word they utter. They are the ones who have impacted my life the most. After all, who remembers someone they encountered that had a perfect command of the English language and their diction was flawless? Do you get my point?
This post will highlight some of the more comical pronunciations of normal, everyday words that have been uttered in my presence.
Years ago, my family was friends with a family that lived close by. They were very good people in every way, but for some reason, they simply couldn't grasp simple spoken words. They provided many hours of entertainment for us by simply mangling the English language. The following will most certainly drive spellcheck crazy.
Drivewalk: "Neil, you just can't beat this kind of service. I brought you right up to your drivewalk." The term "drivewalk" was an attempt at reminding me that I had been brought home from baseball practice and delivered to my home's sidewalk.
Draggers: "Man, be careful when you come through these bushes, they're full of draggers." Draggers and briars are one in the same and should be avoided when squirrel hunting.
Lungpipe: After an especially hard hit taken by the youngest son during a game of backyard football, he lay on the ground wheezing and moaned, "Why'd you hit me so hard? I think you crushed my lungpipe!"
Pumption: During a game of pickup basketball, we noticed the ball seemed to be losing air. Upon attempting to reinflate the ball with a simple garage variety pump, and having no luck, the oldest son simply stated, "I keep pushing and pushing but the ball won't blow up. I guess this thing has lost it's pumption."
Bon: Years ago, there was a very nice gentleman who was league director of the baseball league that I played in. His name was Vaughn. My friend's father who also served as my coach never learned the man's name as far as I know. "I don't know what our schedule is, but I can ask Bon."
Bastardville: The youngest son and I went all the way through school together. One day in eighth grade English class, we were to stand before the class and give oral book reports. The boy confidently stood before his peers and proclaimed, "today, I will give my report on The Hound of Bastardville." Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would be proud.
BM Goodwrench: The youngest son strikes again. The summer after we graduated from high school, he and I worked for a time at the same place. Often, we ride shared to save on gas. One morning, I exited my house when he drove up and noticed that he had new tires on his old Ford Bronco. "Do you like my tires? I went with the BM Goodwrenches this time." BM Goodwrench tires should not be confused with BF Goodrich tires.
Innergestion: The whole family used this one. Innergestion is usually associated with eating spicy foods, or could possibly be the result of a chronic condition concerning with the digestive tract. Occasionally people refer to this condition as indigestion.
In my forty-four years on planet Earth, I have held various jobs and of course was exposed to many people from various backgrounds. On one particular job, I worked with an older gentleman who had a vocabulary all his own.
Brown Retussie: We were cleaning out our shop early one morning when I noticed the man jump back and exclaim, "Giant spider! I think it's a Brown Retussie! Those things can kill you if they get a hold on you!" It's possible that the spider in question was a long lost cousin of the Brown Recluse.
Cellar Phone: During the time we worked together, portable electronic phones were just beginning to catch on. One morning, my old friend entered our shop and proudly held up his new device. "Do you guys know what this is? Well, it's a cellar phone." I assumed that it was similar to a cellular phone.
Abarabadack Chair: It is widely known that I enjoy woodworking in my wood shop at home when I can find the time to do so. The gentleman that I worked with also shared my hobby. One day, I was trying to decide on a type of lawn chair I was considering making. "Why don't you build a couple of Abarabadack Chairs? I already have the plans and would be glad to let you borrow them." I think those particular chairs originated in the Adirondack Mountains of New York but apparently the spelling and pronunciation has changed over the years.
On the same job, there was a very nice lady who also seemed to have a language all her own.
Trofical: "I'm going to get me a huge fish tank with all them colorful trofical fish."
Interpretation: One day while standing at a window and looking into the parking lot, the lady declared that one day she would own a car just like the one parked directly outside. "One day I'm going to own one of those Dodge Interpretations." The Dodge Interpretation should not be confused with the Dodge Intrepid.
Geritol Warts: The company I work for made an announcement that they were going to begin manufacturing a new drug. The lady burst into our work area and announced the great news. "Did you hear the news? We're going to be making a new medicine for women! It prevents geritol warts!" Maybe it could help with genital warts also.
Crevice Cancer: The new drug I mentioned above prevents geritol warts, and according to my co-worker, also prevents the possibility of crevice cancer. Hopefully it will help with cervical cancer as well.
Last but not least, is the old fellow my brother often quotes from his days in the workplace. At present only one mispronunciation comes to mind, but it is a rather comical one.
Ruminum scrloop: Apparently, on that particular job, passing out cups of ice was one of the many requirements. One of the workers had the knack of mangling almost every word he uttered. But, one in particular stands out. My brother and several workers were in the same area when the radio crackled and the old man spoke. "I'm up here ready to hand out ice. Anyone know where I can find a ruminum scrloop?" Although all of the guys had worked with the man in question and had learned to speak his language, everyone looked dumbfounded his request. They called back and asked him to repeat his request. "Ruminum scrloop, I need a ruminum scrloop! What's wrong with you guys? Don't you understand English!?" Finally, they deduced that the man was requesting an aluminum scoop for the ice he was trying to remove from the ice machine. Funny stuff.
There are many more examples of words that have been mispronounced, mangled or simply invented by some poor soul who is simply trying to get their point across. So at a later time, maybe I will compile another list. Heck, for all I know, I'm the topic of someone's blog. I have, in my time, also had some difficulty in with certain words and blurted out what I thought sounded right. Surely, someone noticed and was polite enough to laugh at me behind my back.
So take notice. Listen carefully to people and their diction, pronunciation, and invented words. It's great entertainment, but be careful to deliver all your spoken words just as Webster would have you do, because someone is listening and you just might become the topic of an internet blog.
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