SPOONS

     Well folks, it's Christmas Eve.  We finally finished up our shopping and just completed the monumental task of cleaning the house.  Ryan is content in his 'man cave' and Sidney is quietly reading an online book.  Kristi is scurrying around finishing up a few final touches to the gifts she will soon set under the tree, and I'm writing this blog while simultaneously eating a steaming bowl of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup with a fork. 
     Two years or so ago, a strange and unsettling phenomenon crept over our house in the form of disappearing spoons.  To say that this oddity is a tad on the strange side would be somewhat of an understatement.  The problem began a couple of years ago when I noticed the little slot in the silverware drawer was devoid of teaspoons.  I had taken note of their dwindling numbers weeks before, but I always assumed that they would eventually 'turn up'.  They didn't.  Soon after, the table spoons began to suffer the same fate.  Eventually we were reduced to being forced slurp any liquid foods while stabbing what morsels we could with a fork.
     "Dad, I'm telling you, I have NO idea where all the spoons have gone!  Besides, why are you blaming me?" Ryan asked, after I had grilled him for ten minutes concerning the whereabouts of our missing silverware.  "Ask Sidney, maybe she knows," he continued.
     Sidney also gave the standard answer...she didn't have a clue.
     On at least three different occasions in the last two years I have watched my wife tear open a new set of spoons, wash them and place them safely in their respective slots in the drawer.  As usual, it only took a few months and 'poof', no spoons.  We have searched the garbage, under furniture cushions and under everything in the house to no avail.  This is an oddity of epic proportions.
     I can only imagine that they are in this home somewhere.  I can also imagine that years into the future a team of archaeologists will excavate in this area long after this house has succumbed to age and decay and will find a cache of spoons of various sizes and excitedly exclaim that they've unearthed something of true historical significance.  The press conference that I envision would go something like this...
    A harried and unkempt older fellow with wispy graying hair ambles to the microphone and begins to speak.  "Good morning.  I'm Dr. Digsalot, chairman of antiquities of the University of Finds a Bunch of Useless Stuff.  What we have unearthed on New Hope Road just outside of Staunton is of what we feel is of tremendous historical significance."
     "What is it that you've uncovered Doctor?" an eager young reporter asked with a smiling face and wide eyes.
     "Well, we found a crapload of spoons.  Now, it should be noted that these aren't just ordinary spoons, but spoons of all shapes and sizes.  There's small spoons, large spoons, spoons with bent handles, spoons which appear to have been used as tools, possibly to open paint cans and others with strange markings that we've yet to decipher," the good doctor says.  "We feel that given the sheer volume of spoons found in this one site, there must be some significance that we don't yet understand.  But, what we have begun to conclude is that there must have been some sort of religious offering of spoons to appease the gods.  Or, perhaps aliens visited this site and it's some sort of code letting us know that they too use spoons.  We've even considered that the inscription found on several of the spoons could mean something prophetic," he continued.
     "What was the inscription?" another reported asked.
     The old Prof reaches onto the table beside the lectern and holds a tablespoon high for all to see.  "It's barely legible, but it appears to have the letters 'O-N-E-I-D-A' etched into the underside of it.  We're thinking this is some sort of alien code possibly."  The crowd is hushed except for the occasional ohh, and ahh.  "There's also a very strange emblem etched there as well.  We're thinking it's a sketch of a star cluster in the Andromeda Galaxy.  Yep, probably of alien origin.  We are not alone.  This is the smoking gun.  Forget the religious stuff, this is pure alien."
     For now, we will continue to watch our spoons vanish without a trace.  We surely live in a Bermuda Triangle of sorts, except instead of vanishing ships and aircraft, we experience vanishing teaspoons and tablespoons.  I'll keep on looking in vain trying to locate our lost utensils, and my wife will keep right on buying more.
     Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to stab the last remaining carrot in my soup bowl.  Then I will slurp the broth and continue to wonder what the heck is happening to our spoons.