PATIENCE

    I've never been accused of being too patient.  It's a problem I've dealt with for many years and to be completely candid, my inability to wait is getting worse.  Apparently, many men are afflicted with a condition commonly known as, "Are you kidding me?  I've been on hold for over three minutes.  One more minute and I'm going through the phone and beat somebody down!"
     My wife, who I adore, is of a somewhat more understanding nature.  She moves at her own pace, which often counters my need for hurrying at everything I do.  I have mellowed somewhat over the years, but my impatience is alive and well.  I've simply learned to bottle up my disgust at all things slow moving.
    Several years ago, when energy prices soared to astronomical levels, we decided to purchase an insert for our fireplace to supplement our heating oil consumption.  We assumed that if we occasionally burned wood, then our house would be warmer and our checking account would be fatter.  So, I made the purchase and carefully slid the steel behemoth into the fireplace opening.  We were pleased at the way it looked and were eager to light the inaugural fire.  I gathered some firewood and in an instant our house was cozy and the furnace seemed to enter into a deep sleep, rarely roaring to life.
     As with everything, our new found source of heat came with a few draw backs.  One of those included the need to sweep the flue every year.  "I'll head over to Lowe's and get a brush.  Be back in a few," I said, while heading for my truck.
     In an instant, I appeared at the back door and announced the need for removing the insert and to cover the fireplace opening to prevent ash and soot from entering the house as I swept the chimney.  "I have a huge piece of plastic in the shop.  I'll grab it and a roll of duct tape, and you can cover the opening while I grab the ladder and other tools I'll need for the job."  I gave my orders as I walked toward my shop to retrieve the said items for my wife to do her part of the job.
     With much ado, we gently slid the insert out of the fireplace and onto a few boards I had rounded up while digging for duct tape and plastic.  Again, I barked a few  more orders.  "Be sure to cover the opening well, we don't want a mess in the house."  With that, I retrieved my trusty extension ladder and headed to the roof of our two story home.  Upon my arrival at the crest of the roof, and the subsequent removal of the flue cap, I assumed that my wife would have surely completed her part of the job.
     Immediately, I hastily screwed on the first extension rod, then the next and then the next.  Finally, I had attached all of the shiny metal rods together and could feel the brush reach the bottom of the chimney.  In an instant I began jerking the rod violently up and down.  I could hear the chunks of black, sooty buildup fall to the bottom of the black abyss that was our chimney.  Suddenly, I heard what sounded vaguely like my wife yelling up into the chimney.  "What?!!" I wailed into the opening, which was surrounded by a black dusty cloud.  Again, a muffled cry wafted up the chimney and into the dusty air.  "I can't hear you!" I cried.
     Suddenly, and without warning, Kristi appeared below me.  "Can you hear me now?!!  What the hell is wrong with you?!!  I swear, you are the most impatient man I've ever known!!!"  She was a pitiful sight for sure.  In an instant Sidney and Ryan crawled across the grass and collapsed beside her, hacking and coughing all the way.  For a brief moment, I wondered where my family had gone, and who the heck where the three coal miners lying on my lawn?  Eventually, our tiny, fuzzball of a dog appeared.  I had remembered it as being a mix of black and white fur, but now all I could see was a solid black mutt coughing and wheezing in an attempt to breathe.  Finally, the pitiful animal simply began rolling in the grass and attempting to rid itself of the noxious, black soot which covered it's entire body.
     Kristi and the kids, continued to hack and cough, spitting with superior regularity.  I simply stared in amazement.  Eventually, the three ebony souls stared up at me with very ominous faces.  "Dad, Tippy is going to get lung cancer!" Sidney wailed.  Ryan had removed his tee-shirt, revealing the extent of the damage to is body.  His head and arms were completely black, while his torso was a pearly white.  By that time, Sidney had wiped her eyes and resembled a reverse raccoon.  Kristi continued to stare at me.  "Do you think that maybe you could have waited until I finished covering the opening before you started brushing the chimney?!!  I'm telling you, if I were you, I'd stay on the roof for awhile!"
     "Good grief, I figured that you had plenty of time to get the job done.  Don't blame me, you should have been faster at the simple task I asked you to do," I said, in a feeble attempt to save face.  At least my face was still the same hue it had always been.
     I slowly climbed down to survey the damage.  Sooty, black clouds wafted from the window screens, and the front door.  The interior of the house was covered in a layer of fine, black dust.  "It's going to be a long night, that's for sure, maybe I should have given you a bit more time," I said, in a small attempt to reconcile with my very black and very angry wife.
     We bathed the kids, and the dog, but spent the rest of the evening cleaning, and wiping every surface in the downstairs of our house.
     In the years since, I have exercised some patience when it comes to chimney sweeping, but I'm sure one day, my disdain for waiting will once again cause an uproar with the family.  But, nothing could possibly top the day I turned my family into hacking, coughing coal miner look alikes.